Rehabilitation
by Lokiismylife
Summary: Loki meets two girls after one of them knocks him out after his escape from Asgardian custody. Rose and Emily decide they're keeping him and assimilating him into American culture. Loki finds he doesn't mind. This is basically pure crack, don't take it seriously. R&R please!


**Rehabilitation**

Loki had escaped Asgard soon after being brought back, not wanting to deal with whatever torment Odin had dreamed up this time. He landed in some neighborhood for some reason, and heard a squeak. Before he could turn, someone had hit him over the head hard enough to knock him out. The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was a girl saying, "Oops…"

 **~XXXX~**

 _ **Two hours later:**_ Loki woke up confused and with a bad headache. The girl panicking in the next room was not helping his headache. He listened to what she was saying, and heard, "Seriously, I think he's dead or something! It's been two hours, and he's still not awake! Emily, how do I hide a body?"

Loki rolled his eyes and got out of the bed he was lying in. Ignoring his headache, he went into the next room and asked, "Did you ever think to check if I was breathing?"

The girl squeaked and turned to look at him. Then she started hugging the life out of him, saying, "I'm sooooo sorry! I didn't mean to hit you that hard; you startled me by appearing in my backyard! Are you okay?"

"Aside from the headache and the fact I cannot breathe, yes, I'm fine," Loki said dryly.

The girl let go of him, looking sheepish. "Sorry," she said. "Oh, I'm Rose Porter, by the way."

"I am Loki," Loki said. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Porter."

"Just call me Rose; my last name is so boring," Rose said. Then she blinked. "Loki? As in the one who destroyed half of Manhattan with an alien army? That Loki?"

"I doubt there are any other Lokis," Loki said dryly.

"My friend's cat is named Loki," Rose said. "He's adorable! And Loki is number twenty-four on the list of 100 Best Cat Names."

"Mortals are insane," Loki grumbled.

"No, it's just me," Rose said. "Hey, maybe I should get some cats and then I could be the town's crazy cat lady!"

Loki didn't dignify that with an answer. They heard the front door open, and a girl's voice called, "Rose? I came to help!"

"Hi Emily!" Rose said, as another girl walked into the room.

"Is he a zombie now?" Emily asked, pointing to Loki. "'Cause I thought you said he was dead."

"Rose neglected to check if I was actually breathing," Loki said dryly. "Are you insane too?"

"We're the Insanity Twins!" the girls said in eerie synchronicity.

"Great…" Loki said unenthusiastically.

"So why'd you destroy half of Manhattan?" Emily asked curiously.

"The portal was set up on top of Stark Tower," Loki said. "And I wanted to tick off Thor. He loves this realm for some reason."

"If you wanted to tick off Thor, why didn't you just turn his hair pink with ringlets?" Rose asked.

"I was under mind control, and the person who did it wasn't interested in pranks, he was interested in killing," Loki deadpanned. "I still want to kill Thor, though."

"Why bother?" Emily asked. "If you keep him alive, you can brutally humiliate him. If you kill him, you lose that opportunity."

"Besides, killing people is evil," Rose said. "Do you want to be evil?"

"I'm a monster; I was born evil," Loki said gloomily.

"No one is born evil, and you don't look like a monster," Rose said. "Besides, some monsters are just misunderstood. I think if you insist on calling yourself a monster, you're a misunderstood monster. Monsters can be fluffy!"

"Fluffy?" Loki asked.

"Rose, he's probably never seen Monsters, Inc.," Emily said.

"Nor will he," Rose said. "I've seen that movie five million times, I am not watching it five million and one times."

"How about Lilo and Stitch? That's a good one for appreciating family," Emily suggested.

"I think we should watch Howl's Moving Castle; that guy thinks he's a monster and so does everyone else, but Sophie realizes that he's just misunderstood and lonely," Rose commented.

"Alright, Howl's Moving Castle it is," Emily said. "Go make popcorn, I'll get the DVD."

"I've got some Fanta too," Rose said.

"Bring that in too," Emily said, and headed out.

Loki was confused, and asked, "What's going on?"

"We're watching a movie, and you're watching it with us; I guarantee you'll love it," Rose said. "Come on, you can help with the snacks."

Loki followed her, wondering exactly why he was still here. He eventually came to the conclusion that the girls' insanity and weirdness was rubbing off on him. He wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

 **~XXXX~**

 _ **Approximately two hours later:**_ "I really enjoyed that movie," Loki said. "And the popcorn."

"Good," Rose said. "Did you learn anything?"

"Calcifer is hilarious," Loki replied.

"Anything else?" Emily asked pointedly.

"Just because everyone thinks you're a monster doesn't make you one?" Loki suggested.

"Very good," Rose said, pleased. She patted him on the head, and he swatted her hand away. "I'm not a dog," he said irritably.

"No, you're not," Rose agreed. "But you are pretty cuddly."

Loki choked. The girls ignored him and started looking through more movies.

 **~XXXX~**

Over the course of the next two weeks, Emily and Rose tag-teamed Loki to, as they put it, "Make you one of us!" Their goal was to get Loki assimilated into mortal culture- whether he liked it or not. Fortunately for all involved, Loki liked Earth, and especially liked movies. Emily and Rose decided that was good for pop culture references.

By the time two weeks had passed, Loki was comfortable going out in normal society, and had more knowledge of Earth technology and customs than he ever thought he'd need. He was very happy with Rose and Emily, who liked him for who he was and didn't mind that he had PTSD or that he was more than slightly unhinged. After all, the two girls were pretty unhinged themselves, if for different reasons.

Unfortunately, this was Loki's life, and apparently good things didn't last, because halfway through the third week he'd been living there, he was watching a movie with Rose and Emily when the doorbell rang. Rose's response was to yell, "We're watching a movie here! Go away and don't come back!"

"I think that's the Avengers," Loki commented with amusement. "Thor's out there."

"Oh, fine, we'll pause the movie," Emily grumbled, hitting pause on the remote and getting up. Rose and Loki followed her to the door, and watched as she yanked it open and said, "Welcome to the Funny Farm, how may we drive you insane today?"

"Uh…." Steve Rogers, aka Captain America said. "We thought Loki was holding you hostage or something."

"Actually it's the other way around, but we managed to give him Stockholm Syndrome, so now he doesn't want to leave," Rose chirped cheerfully.

The Avengers looked at Loki, who was eyeing Thor thoughtfully. "You two were right, he does look like that guy from Point Break," Loki said to Rose. "At least, right now he does." Loki snapped his fingers, and Thor suddenly had fluffy hot pink ringlets instead of long blonde hair.

"LOKI!" Thor bellowed.

"Loki, you forgot the pink puppy ears we talked about," Rose said.

"Thanks for reminding me," Loki said, and snapped his fingers again. Thor now had pink puppy ears, and Tony Stark was laughing his ass off.

"I think we're getting off-topic…." Steve said.

"Really?" Emily asked. "What was the original topic?"

"Why Loki is here, instead of in Asgard in a prison cell," Clint said.

"Rose here found him in her yard, knocked him out with a rolling pin, and then called me wailing about how he was dead and could I help her hide the body," Emily said. "Then we asked Loki why he attacked Manhattan, and he said he was under mind control, so we decided he'd be a great addition to the Funny Farm we're running here. And then we assimilated him into human culture, and now he's fine- except for the PTSD issues, which we're working on."

"I didn't knock him out with a rolling pin, I knocked him out with a metal baseball bat," Rose said sulkily. "Get your facts straight."

"Rose, you don't HAVE a metal baseball bat," Emily said.

"That's because when she used it on me, it broke in half," Loki said dryly.

"Geez, no wonder you're so stubborn," Emily said. She looked back at the Avengers and said, "Was that everything? We'd like to go back to our movie now. The popcorn's getting cold."

"Uh… sure… sorry about that," Steve said, looking confused. The other Avengers weren't much better as Emily closed the door on them.

Emily, Rose, and Loki went back to their movie, and spent the rest of the night laughing over Thor's pink hair.

 _ **Back on the Helicarrier:**_ "Well?" Fury asked when the Avengers came in. "Did you capture him?"

"No," Steve said. "According to the girls he was living with, Loki has Stockholm Syndrome and doesn't want to leave, they were watching a movie and didn't want to be disturbed, and they're running a Funny Farm. And Loki was acting totally different, and the girls said he was mind-controlled into attacking."

"They might be right," Tony commented. "But they seemed to be completely insane, so I really don't know."

"What happened to Thor?" Fury asked, rubbing his forehead wearily.

"He's desperately trying to get rid of the pink ringlets and pink puppy dog ears he's got," Clint said. "I don't think he's realized that they're attached to him yet."

"You lot are fucking IDIOTS," Fury growled. "Looks like I'll have to take care of this myself."

 _ **The next day:**_ Fury walked up to the address he had been given, and rang the doorbell. A girl's voice called, "Be there when the popcorn's done!"

Fury sighed. A few minutes later, a redheaded girl opened the door and said cheerfully, "Welcome to the Funny Farm, how may we drive you insane today?"

"Hand over Loki," Fury growled.

A girl with ash blonde hair came over, and said, "Hey Rose, what's with the pirate?"

"I don't know Emily," Rose said. "But he wants us to hand over Loki. I thought he'd be asking for gold or something."

Emily tilted her head to one side, looking at Fury. "Why do you want Loki?" she asked. "He doesn't want to leave."

"He's a war criminal, he should be in jail," Fury growled.

"You're a pirate, so you should be in jail too, but you're not, so why does it matter if Loki's free?" Rose asked. "Besides, we reformed him already."

"What do you mean by reformed?" Fury asked warily.

"We mean he's playing pranks on the Avengers rather than trying to kill them," Rose said cheerfully. "Did you see Thor's new look?"

"He's still trying to get that out," Fury said dryly.

"It'll wear off in a week- except for the puppy ears, which are permanent," Loki said, coming up behind the girls. "Rose and Emily are very nice, so I've decided to stay with them. I don't know why they think I have Stockholm Syndrome, though."

"Well, technically Rose kidnapped you and you liked her and me so much you wanted to stay, so that kind of counts as Stockholm Syndrome, right?" Emily asked. She directed the last bit to Fury, who groaned.

"If I hear of any more attacks or destruction, I will be back," he said grimly. "Are you planning on getting rid of Thor's puppy ears?"

"No, but we might be planning on a threesome," Rose said with an evil grin. "I'd say you could join us, but you're too old."

Fury looked a mixture of disgusted and horrified, and Loki, Rose, and Emily started laughing as he said, "You people are gonna give me nightmares. Remember, Loki, the first hint of destruction and I'll be back."

"Sure," Loki said cheerfully. "Can we go back to movie night now?"

Fury just stormed off. Emily closed the door, and she and Rose hugged Loki, who hugged back. The girls had destroyed his aversion to being affectionate after a week. "You get to stay with us forever!" Rose said happily.

"This will be fun," Loki replied. "Let's go watch movies!"

 _ **Back on the Helicarrier:**_ Tony and the other Avengers looked up as Fury came in, and Tony asked, "Did you capture him?"

"No, and those girls are either completely insane or from another planet," Fury growled. "Thor, your hair will go back to normal in a week, but the puppy ears are permanent. And apparently the girls and Loki are planning on a threesome."

"Did NOT need to hear that," Clint deadpanned.

"If I have to have nightmares, so do you," Fury growled. "Dismissed."

"The puppy ears will never go away?" Thor moaned as they left. "I am doomed…"

 _ **With Loki, Rose, and Emily:**_ "Let's watch Spirited Away again!"

"But Loki still hasn't seen Porco Rosso!"

"I don't mind either way."

 **That's what came to mind today, and I'm really sorry I haven't been into the sequel to The Therapist. I hope you enjoyed this cracky one-shot, and please review!**


End file.
